Are you tired of spending all winter worrying about getting into shape for summer? Do you spend summer wrapped up like a B-movie mummy stalking its prey? Does the prospect of going for a swim fill you with an irrational dread of taking of your shirt? Do you lose track of small children and animals when they stand directly under your belly? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might be the ideal candidate for this summer’s hottest new accessory! Introducing the Dad Bod!
For years society has stacked unreasonable expectations upon the shoulders of the world’s men. Gentlemen, I know it’s difficult having to suck in your tummies whenever you wear tight t-shirts. I understand the pain at having to look away when someone brushes passed you and gets a handful of your paunch. Hear me now – you no longer need to carry that shame! The Dad Bod has arrived and the entire world is here to embrace it.
Check out this list of 5 Fool Proof Ways to Get That Dad Bod of Her Dreams!
Diet.
Eat well… Eat… Well… Lots. Specifically focus on complex carbohydrates – breads, pastas, pizzas and slap chips – so that you can pack on those centimetres around the midsection. Don’t overeat, but make sure you’re getting enough fuel for your body. If six packs start in the kitchen, then so do dad bods.
Exercise.
Don’t think you can get by without doing some work though. Sure, you’ve got to have those extra kilos, but you’ve also got to look like the sort of dad who makes teenage boyfriends nervous. Think love handles, but with kiff guns – stomach out, chest in, flex biceps!
Attitude.
Winners never quit and quitters never win. If you’re intent on looking like a dad, get your mind right. Tell dad jokes. Consider outdated facial hair. Try out unfamiliar slang terms in completely incorrect contexts. Stick with it though because the road to true dadhood is a tough one fraught with many unseen dangers – cringing youngsters, disgusted looking teenagers, sneering mom-types. Stay the course and soon you’ll reach real dadvana.
Beer.
The best part of the journey to ultimate dadbodliness is beer. Learn to appreciate the nectar of the gods of hops and barley. It doesn’t matter what type of beer you drink – follow the hipsters down the craft route, try a good Seffrican brew or stick with the light stuff – just make sure you consume the stuff. No-one said this was going to be easy, cupcake!
Leopard Print Vests & Tighty Whiteys.
If you’ve committed to the strategies above you’ll be well on your way to flaunting a truly dadnificent midsection in no time at all. But as anyone on a good cooking show will tell you, it’s all about presentation dahling! You’ve got to be able to frame this spectacular torso to highlight its true kiffness. Get yourself some tighty whiteys, a leopard print vest, khakis (size down to accentuate your curves) and get ready to turn some heads.
Date Published: 17 January 2017
