Around these parts, “discipline” is pretty much synonymous with “punishment”, but that’s an association that has outlived its usefulness. We are, thankfully, no longer stuck in the days of the ominous ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ sort of thinking. The era of ‘children as people too’ has finally dawned on us, and kids everywhere are rejoicing!
In this milieu, attachment parenting is gaining currency, and contrary to popular opinion, it doesn’t involve chanting “ohm” while meditating to tune out the chaos of complete parental neglect! It is true that this parenting style emphasises freedom and respecting the rights of the child, but not in the way you think. It certainly is not about throwing all the rules out the window.
It will come as no surprise that scrapping all rules creates “brats” – not because kids are naturally inclined to brattiness, but because such kids are unhappy. Kids need rules, and they need firm guidance to not only help them behave well but to make them feel secure. The trick with attachment-style parenting is that this firm guidance is offered in a loving way.
Easier said than done, right? Kids are good at pushing our buttons, and even with the best of intentions we may struggle to avoid resorting to spanking, shaming, and threats of “consequences.” Even time-outs aren’t recommended. So what is a parent to do? Here are some tips:
- Prioritise the relationship you share, because that is the most powerful influence on her behaviour. If the relationship is strong, she will want to please you. She needs to know you are on her side and will help her navigate a sometimes confusing world. Faced with a public tantrum – and it will happen sometime, unfortunately – try to avoid losing your cool in front of a tsk-tsking audience. Ultimately, onlookers don’t matter - your relationship with your child does.
- Make sure you know what your child is developmentally capable of - there are times when he may know the rules but not be able to stop himself from breaking them, while a younger child may not be capable of comprehending certain rules at all.
- Have clear and fair limits and boundaries. Empathise with her frustration at not being able to jump on the furniture or stay at the park all day, but be firm and consistent with those limits and your child will eventually accept them, and will feel more secure knowing that her parents are in control.
- Acknowledge feelings. Kids shouldn’t be shamed for feeling frustrated, angry or sad. They need to get the message that their feelings are valid, but it is perhaps the way they express those feelings that might need work. Little Johnny is hitting --> let’s hit a pillow instead. Little Lamila is throwing things --> let’s go and throw a ball outside.
- Be mindful of what sort of behaviour you’re modelling. Our kids learn a whole lot through observing us interacting with others, being polite and fair and handling difficult situations in a calm manner. They also learn from observing the ways we manage our emotions, so next time he knocks his cup of hot chocolate all over the carpet, before you scream at him, take a few deep breaths and count to five. Eventually, you may find your little tyke employing the same calming strategy. Displaying discipline in acting on your own emotions helps your little one to learn self-discipline, which is, of course, the ultimate goal.
Date Published: 13 November 2015
