If I never see another meme with cutesy teddy bears, flowers or couples walking off into the sunset captioned with nonsensical saccharine Valentine’s Day messages, it’ll be too soon. Down with teddy bears, I say! Turf that bouquet! At least that’s what this time of year inspires in so many of us. And still, we’ve all got those friends who refuse to stop smothering us with messages to their significant others of their undying love. Smothering us, like they MUST SURELY BE SMOTHERING THE POOR OBJECT OF THEIR AFFECTIONS! A-ha! If ever you’re overwhelmed with the urge to join the ranks of these lovebirds, consider first this Handy Guide to Celebrating a Non-Obnoxious Valentine’s Day.
TMI, bruh, TMI. Remember, the first rule of Let’s-Not-Annoy-Everyone-On-Valentine’s-Day-Club is don’t talk about what you’re doing for your loved one. Incidentally, it’s also the second rule of the club. Don’t talk about it. We don’t kiss and tell, primarily because the only person you’re meant to be impressing is your significant other. No one else cares. Sure, a little message on their Facebook wall is fine, but not a page long public proclamation pronouncing your passion. Please.
Be understated. Sure, there’s a place for grandiose gestures, but subtlety often pays off. Instead of surprising her with a room full of pink roses or getting him that bottle of overpriced, soon-to-be-neglected cologne, consider something different. Cook their favourite meal, make them a mixtape, or have a strawberries and champagne themed picnic in the garden. In most cases, effort goes further than expense.
No, really. Down with chocolates and flowers! Instead of the mainstays of tired Valentine’s Days of yore, go for more modern alternatives. Take up dance classes together, or host a chef for a group cooking class with your closest friends. If your significant other is a bit of a daredevil at heart, consider tandem skydiving, bungee jumping or white water rafting. What you buy isn’t nearly as important as spending time together on this special occasion.
Don’t Feed the Troll. Take a break from social media for the day and spend your free time engaging with your loved one instead. Instead of labouring over what filter makes your salad look most vintage, or thinking of the most acerbic comeback to a cat meme, spend time showing someone that you care for them. In this age of us constantly seeking validation by way of a flashing red light or phone vibration, your better half with undoubtedly be pleasantly surprised by the real world validation you offer. The most significant benefit of moving it off Facebook will be saving us the trouble of blocking you. Because there are innocent bystanders in these eighties-movie-inspired status updates. So do us a favour and do your bit to alleviate the collateral damage in this war called Valentine’s Day!
Date Published: 05 February 2016
